Realizations when going home for the holidays

For kids like me whose family is practically spread out all over the globe (or at least 2 different countries), travelling becomes almost normal. The holidays are looked forward to not only because it's an escape from school and a time for relaxation but because finally, after months, sometimes an entire year, we finally get to go back to the place we call home and be with family.

My home is the Middle East, the Sultanate of Oman to be more specific. After 11 months away from home, 10 from my brothers and 8 from my parents, I finally got to pack my bags and look forward (sort of) to almost 12 hours of transit & travel. This time around, I got to travel with 2 awesome buds of mine Nico and Ara whose company I enjoy too much all the time. The flight was definitely something to look forward to and within those long hours of checking in, immigration lines, waiting for the flight, boarding, stopovers, and the actually flight itself, there have been a few realizations that we found ourselves (or maybe just me) thinking about.

1. Sometimes, all you really have to do is ask. Hi, could I have orange juice AND water? Can we go to the waiting area already or is it too early? Is there any chance you can put our seats together? Can we just weigh our luggage together? My friend's sitting over there, is it possible if you both switch seats so that we could be together? It answers your questions immediately and you'd be surprised as to how much you can get just by gathering the courage to ask. 
2. Carry a happy disposition & don't be rude. Travelling can sometimes be stressful and seriously, you're not the only one who's tired from the terrible flight and lack of sleep. One of the best things I've found while travelling is accidentally bumping into someone (or their luggage) and having them smile at me instead of complaining. It makes a difference.
3. Stewards cater to many people in the plane. Sometimes they forget you asked for an extra cup of water so don't get mad. Instead, just get their attention and ask again. They'll be back in no time with a bright smile and an offer for anything else you might need. See also number 1. 

For the heavier realizations however..

1. Flying with good friends means more than just the company. Considering the 3 of us have been friends since we were mere kids, graduated grade school and high school together, and 75% of us goes to the same college, we've been together almost all our lives and travelling back home together somehow gives us the opportunity to see our growth as individuals. We've gone a long way since high school and it excites me to know that we witness each other's changes.
2. There's an anxious feeling towards landing. Sometimes, we just want the flight to go on and on and on mostly because we don't want to land. Because landing would mean being home, which is, in reality, what we look forward to but landing also means the rest of the days are counted. And that's not all too exciting.
3. Fighting's become this fucked up idea in your mind that you are too tired to deal with. You're 18 already and frankly, 19 out of 360 days with your family is too little. There's no more point in arguing with your parents about something you want or something they did. Level up in maturity and don't waste any moment with them with ill feelings. 
4. Family suddenly becomes more important. I think this is my most important realization. This year, I didn't bother asking who'd be going home and desperately getting people's numbers to meet them. If anything really, I'm doing my best to avoid meeting people. All I really want to do is just be with my family and go out with them. Despite not seeing other people for so long, they're suddenly not as important as they used to be. I think this is the biggest growth within me, putting family first. 

Befuddled little mind

For the past hour, I have been switching between 4 tabs attempting to finish a bloody blog post. I'd be writing one and then a lovely sentiment enters my mind that fits another post so I click on the other tab and the cycle goes on and on and on.
and on.
so I resolved to blog about that problem, cause let's face it, i probably wont be able to finish any of them tonight.

but by golly (i just said it in my head, and it sounded kind of lame, so much for being cool), i've got a lot of issues with myself, but this just has to be one of the more prominent ones.

I've always found myself to be a conflicted person. I already blogged about how I unfeignedly believe one doesnt ever have merely one personality, and I suppose with this comes a highly (and painfully) conflicted mind. Is there even a way though to fix that? Can you actually ever fix your thoughts? Make them line up according to importance.. and then dwell on each thought before proceeding to the other?

you know what? I like being the messy thinker that I am. It gives me the assurance that my mind is active and alive and full of colour. That's why I find myself with lots of notes in my phone cause I just have too many thoughts worth noting (in my opinion). You can't make yourself a less higgledy-piggledy thinker, but you can take note of each one of them instead of brushing them off. So here's a few things you could do so your thoughts don't go wasted:

• type it down in your phone, iPad, tab, whatever the hell
• bring a small notebook & pen with you (if you're that type)
• borrow a pen from the closest person and write it on your hand
• share it immediately with whoever you're with

that's all I really do, honestly. mostly the phone and sharing thing. The next time you complain about being a scatterbrain, embrace it. At least you're not limited to mundane thoughts, hm? :)

safety first?

Problem: I am perpetually warned when I commute to be extra cautious in certain areas, one of which is pedro gil - it is known for being a constant target area of pick-pocketers. 

Thought: If that place is known to be dangerous, and everyone knows it, so everyone that goes there holds on a little bit tighter to their bags or keeps their phones in their bags, that means the thieves have no chance getting what they want, therefore these thieves look for other potential locations, hence making that place safer than claimed by people. 

Conclusion: flaunt that bloody iPhone

Negative inspiration

Going through my Tumblr posts, tagged tattoo, I found this here. I saw this roughly a year ago, and it was right at a moment when I was going through a tough time and it spoke to me a lot.

I considered myself artistically gifted in small ways. When inspired, I find that my creative juices just flow non stop. Many times my creations shock me and I wonder how I even had it in me. But other times, and unfortunately this is 90% of the time, these juices are non-existent.

But the reason this picture is relevant is because every time I'm at the peak of artsy creativity, it comes from negative emotions. I write songs when my parents make me depressed, I doodle amazing works when I feel sad, I write free-verse poems when I'm angry.

Perhaps the reason it works this way for me is because I hardly ever feel negative emotions in the first place. But mostly, I just can't see how positive emotions create inspiring works of art. Songs, poems, paintings, sketches.. I do them best when at my worst.

This post is incredibly messy and not well written due to distractions, but I wrote it, so might as well publish it. Again, going back to this sad post. 

How many is too many?

Everyone's always trying to sort of "find themselves". That mission I've resigned from for a while already. For the longest time, I've sensed that I could never be just this one personality. Is it even possible? Can one person just be one person all throughout?

I feel like I'm not alone in this, but I also strongly feel people haven't realized this yet. Growing up, I believed I could always be one of the girls and also one of the guys. But now it's more than just that. I feel like one could be like a chameleon somehow, blending in in different environments, nothing wrong with that. If I put it this way, if you read it this way it sounds all right, almost unworthy of judgement. But then if I give you real examples, it's not that okay anymore (say blending in with a group of strong drinkers).

I feel like I can blend in contrasting groups. I could be with a group that studies late at night and a group that drinks every night. I could complain about hating heels with one group and shopping away with another. I've always felt that I had an advantage, not having one personality. I could be very reserved and very liberated at the same time. But sometimes I feel like people don't understand it. I feel judgemental eyes on me sometimes, and I'm not quite sure how to react to it. Or even what to do about it. Do I even do something about it? I get that you can't please everybody you meet, but if it's your friends it's a different story, isn't it?

People have different personalities. I probably have.. 8 different ones. Some have met them all, others have met a few only. God knows how they'd respond if they knew who I could be when placed in a certain environment. I don't quite 'find' myself, I mostly just discover who I could be. The way I act or react in certain environments could be different, but not necessarily fake. Maybe I'm a chameleon in my own way.

So my question now is.. how many is considered too many? And are you like me or have you found yourself?

God, theatre people are so weird

There are things we dream about doing or being part of, but we could never really see ourselves actually being part of it. For me, one of them is theatre.

I just finished 3 days & 6 shows worth of a playfest in my university. It was a minor production that left all of us apprentices with major emotions. I can't quite get over the excitement that was going on backstage, especially during the first and last shows. We were all bodies of pumped up energy, attempting to calm our nerves while putting on make up on our sweaty faces, preparing our props and fixing our costumes. Weeks of late night and early morning rehearsals lead to this. And during the entire process, I couldn't quite notice the various characters I came across that caught my attention. Let me share a few with you.

There's the obvious cute little girl, the loud one, the one everyone has a crush on, the one who sings amazingly and the one who could play both guy and girl. But then there are more interesting (if that's even the right word) ones too.

The perv (at least.. maybe?). He's the one you meet and think 'Well, he seems like a fairly normal character. A bit shy at first but rather funny'. And then you all become rather close and he starts to make gross jokes that everyone laughs at cause, well.. everyone laughs at gross jokes. But then it becomes constant and it becomes more intense so then you're not sure what you're dealing with anymore. Now he scares you and people are confused about his target market.

The drama queen/king (?). So maybe this won't come off as surprising and remotely interesting but really, the drama is meant for the stage. The only time it's allowed backstage is if it's while you're internalizing. Shit happens, you don't get along with certain people, it's all inevitable. Save your tears for the poor dolphins getting murdered. 

The queer one. Honestly, you just don't understand him. You give him a chance to act normal, but there's something about the way he acts that makes you want to build a wall between you both. Then again, you never really stay away from him hoping that you're just catching him on a day when he's got a natural high (but really, he's just incredibly weird).

The good-intentioned-but-comes-off-differently one. He's all right, folks. If anything, he's a respectable gentleman who offers help in a world where equality between sexes means, to some, not helping women at all. But other people feel like he's got different intentions. Perhaps they don't make an effort to get to know him better. Trust me. When left alone with him for 5 minutes, he's a nice character.

The unexpected ones. On your normal meet ups, they're the quiet, simple people. They look like the kind of people who wouldn't socialize too much and would possibly need a push to do well on stage. But once given their script, BOOM. WHERE. DID. THAT. COME. FROM. 

The what-closet? one. You're confused? We're confused too. Is there a closet to come out of or.. are people just starting to evolve differently without necessarily being different?

The confusing one. Confusing in terms of friendliness really. Goodness, you're close friends one day and the next, strangers. This person wants to make you feel cool then crush you down. You gotta work hard to please him. You gotta make all the right moves. Perhaps the best thing to do is just stay away. It'll save you wasted efforts and maybe a crushed esteem. 

The odd one out. I think among all the personalities I just mentioned, this is the only one that's personal. Nothing too interesting about this person. For you at least. I, on the other hand, find this person interesting on a level that even I can't quite comprehend. This person's not too special but there's this attraction building up and you're not sure how or why. Leave it at that cause it's always nice to have a few crushes here and there. Would you want that person to find out? Not quite. Or.. 

*written without any ill feelings. if anything, im feeling nothing right now*

Am I sexy and I know it or.. honey you don't need to show it?

Today's post is inspired by a video I watched a few months ago with my friend Sieg. The video is of Glozell (a somewhat funny woman on Youtube) wearing a bikini and asking her audience if she's fine or.. unfine. Click here if you want to watch the video (I suggest you do, so that you could come up with your own unbiased opinion).

So Glozell isn't the fittest person out there and in the video, you can expect what she'd talk about. The beginning is already her saying there's a lot of pressure in society for people to look good but that you should love yourself no matter what. Then she moves on to ask the audience what they/we think of her... "or should I even care?" she goes on to say which actually hits me. I guess most of us try to be like that. We shouldn't really care what people think, but unfortunately, we're part of a social community. We DO care what people think and say. But I'm straying from my point..

My first reaction was my usual. Honestly, just.. wow, I'm so proud she doesn't care, she's not scared to expose herself like that when I can't even wear an almost-fit shirt for fear of it showing the rounded & unflattering shape of my tummy. And here she is, wearing a bikini AND posting the video of her in it on the internet, the fastest, most widespread way to share anything really. Kudos to her, you know? Why.. why can't I have that confidence? Why can't I realize that being human isn't just about being thin and I shouldn't waste my time worrying about how my body isn't as skinny as I'd like it to be, you know?

But after I showed it to Sieg, he had a different opinion which made me think. If we keep telling people, it's okay to be overweight, wouldn't that have a negative effect on them instead? It's like telling the kids, keep eating these mediocre fast-food burgers, gain weight and don't bother exercising to stay fit because it's OKAY.

I think there's a mistake here, where they try to send a positive message to the people. Instead of constantly reminding them to love their (overweight) body the way it is, they could change that. Instead of that, tell people that it's wrong to be okay with it. Being overweight isn't worth it, specially since it could lead to other health risks. What they could do instead is to inspire people to accept OTHER things. Say.. Accept one's chinky eyes, or one's shortness or your frizzy hair or dark skin tone. Those are the things people should learn to embrace and to accept. Because these are the things that won't harm you. Being overweight, well that will.

But before this ends, I don't mean to offend anyone through this post. I don't judge people, though it may sound I do through this. But it's just a thought, it's not something that pops into my head every time I see someone "unfine". I mean, I myself am rather unfine. All my friends have grown out of that and turned into young ladies but I guess I'm a late bloomer, or at least I like to think I am. But I'm trying to change, because I don't like how I am and this is the very reason for my unstable self-worth. Dear God, I hope I do get out of this ugly body someday.